Star Trek Enterprise: the comedy
by USS Voyager NCC-74656
Summary: this is the story of the enterprise crew on crack! not real crack, just a figure of speach its stupid, pointless, plotless, but really funny. written in play form, for quick reading
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: this is my very first story, so i hope ya'll like it. its written in play form so you have to imagin all the detail, but that shouldn't be hard. it may be a stupid story but then again its supposed to be, after all it is a comedy. feel free to leave a review to let me know what you think

disclaimer: i don't own enterprise or am not affiliated with them in any way shape or form

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STARTREKENTERPRISE

The comedy

Prologue

Captain Jonathan Archer is the son of his father and mother. His father, Hugh Archer is a P.E. teacher who in his spare time developed the warp engine. His mother, Pricilla Archer, is a psychiatrist. His brother, Alfonzo Archer, is dead due to a broken toe, he went into shock it was not a pretty sight. His sister, Gertrude, her occupation is undecided. Archer left his home in Wisconsin at the age of 18 to join Starfleet. Archer is now a not so respected captain of his own ship, Enterprise, and has a crew consisting of the very best of the very worst.

Sub-Commander T'Pol a Vulcan from Vulcan, she left her home world at the tender age of 130 and came to Earth where she put her terrific body to work and modeled. Fifty years later she joined Star Fleet and is now serving aboard the Enterprise as the science officer.

Commander Charles Tucker 111 a.k.a Trip or Trippy, born in the state of Texas. The son of an architect, Charles Tucker Jr, and a nurse, Betty Tucker, has one brother, John, who is a struggling singer, and one sister, Judy, who is a traveling sales woman. Trip joined Star Fleet at the age of 24 where he met his best friend and worse enemy Malcolm Reed.

Malcolm Reed is from England and the son of George and Martha Reed. George is a fireman who starts more fires than he puts out. Martha is an acupuncturist who has a habit of pushing the needles in too far. Reed also has a sister Georgiana and a brother Martin who are unimportant to this story and will not be mentioned again. Reed joined Star Fleet at the age of 23. Reed is one year behind his best friend and worst enemy, Trip. Trip and Malcolm are constantly playing practical jokes on each other and other poor unsuspecting souls. Trip and Malcolm are both serving on board the U.S.S Enterprise. Trip is the Chief engineer, and Malcolm is the tactical officer.

Dr. Phlox is from Dunoblia. He has 3 wives and 10 children. Phlox graduated medical school at the very bottom of his class. Phlox is over eager to perform life saving procedures on the crew of the enterprise, seems as though he's never worked on an actual living person.

Ensign Hoshi Sato is a Chinese person from Florida. Hoshi tried to join Star Fleet at age 7 but was rejected. She came back years later when she was 21 and joined. Hoshi is a master at languages but has a tendency to have accidents, so she was placed on the Enterprise as the communications and linguistics officer.

Ensign Travis Maywhether is from Connecticut the son of a librarian, Alfred, and a T.V. repairwoman Judy. Travis has one brother Michael who is a clock maker. Travis joined star fleet at age 22 and is now on board the enterprise as the helmsmen.

SCENE 1

In a galaxy near, near to earth, there is a space ship called The U.S.S Enterprise. Enterprise is a fairly large craft with around 200 people aboard... but only 7 of those people are important and they are…. Oh yeah and a dog. Where was I? oh and they are Captain Johnathan Archer, Sub-Commander T'Pol, Commander Charles Tucker 111 a.k.a Trip or as some call him Trippy, lieutenant Malcolm Reed, Ensign Travis Maywhether, Ensign Hoshi Sato, Doctor Phlox, and the M.V.D Porthos. These people are on a mission of exploration.

-Title song is passing-

Trip- Man!! I am getting so sick of that song, it gets played every week

-A noise is heard from across the room-

T'Pol- (quietly singing) cause I've got faith of the heart

-Everyone stares at her with a blank expression on their faces-

Trip- oh my god

Archer- I thought Vulcans suppressed their emotions

T'Pol- that is correct captain. But just because we suppress our emotions doesn't mean we cannot sing. I was merely exercising my vocal cords

Reed- don't you do that enough when you talk or I suppose I should say complain, nag, being negative, or the famous stating the obvious.

Archer- Malcolm, that's enough

Trip- I'm incline to agree with Malcolm captain. T'Pol you suck

T'Pol- I think you should keep your comments to yourself commander

Trip- I was merely exercising my vocal cords

Travis- can't we all just get along

-The ship rattles-

Archer- Trip get to engineering on the Triple

Trip- aye captn'

-Trip leaves-

Archer- Hoshi, do you have anything on the campanile

Hoshi- Yes!!

Archer- what?

Hoshi- grape jelly, but I'm wiping it off

-archer grunts-

Archer- Malcolm, do you have anything on sensors?

Malcolm- nothing to interesting

T'Pol- that's hardly an appropriate answer for captain archer. I think…..

Malcolm- (interrupting T'Pol) no one cares what you think T'Pol

Hoshi- boxers or briefs?

Malcolm- boxers

Travis- briefs

Archer- either

Trip comes in over the con-

Trip- commando

-Everybody cringes with the thought of that-

-T'Pol staring off into space-

T'Pol- none

Trip- T'Pol, I didn't know you cared

T'Pol- uh, I was talking about not having any side dishes at lunch today. You know need to watch my figure and everything

Trip- you already had lunch today

T'Pol- tomorrow then

-Trip signs off-

Malcolm- nice cover T'Pol

Archer- why oh why did I pick this crew?

Malcolm- coz ya love us

Travis- I think we should get back to the situation at hand

Archer- what?

Travis- the ship rattling

Archer- oh yeah, why did the ship rattle?

-Trip comes in over the con, again-

Trip- Capn', I know why the ship rattled

Archer- why?

Trip- coz some stupid head had the warp core plugged into the wrong outlet. I fixed it

Archer- what about the stupid hea… crewman

Trip- I poked him in the eye

Malcolm- oh yeah that'll teach him

Trip- shut up Malcolm

Malcolm- or what? You'll poke me in the eye hahaha

-archer shakes his head with a 'why me' expression on his face


	2. Chapter 2

SCENE 2

-The door to sickbay opens and crewman Pye walks in with his left hand covering his left eye-

Phlox- hehe haha (says quietly in an excited tone) my first victim!!

Pye- what do you mean victim? Commander a Tucker just poked me in the eye

Phlox- yes, but you don't know where commander Tucker's finger has been. I must give you a complete work up

Pye- wha!!

Phlox- don't worry, I'm a professional, let me look up your record

-phlox looking up crewman's Pye's record on the computer-

Phlox- ah here we are crewman (starts laughing hysterically)

Pye- it's not that funny doctor

Phlox- yes it is!! Hahahahahaha, crewman Coconut Cream Pye hahahaha, ok roll over

Pye- Why?

Phlox- I've got to take your temperature

Pye- (eyes get big) OH NO!!

Phlox- now crewman Pye, Commander Tucker sent you down here for a reason, and I'm not letting you go until I know you're healthy

-phlox pulls out a thermometer as big as his arm-

Pye- AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

SCENE 3

Travis- captain look

Archer- oh my god

T'Pol- captain, all logic aside it's an ice burg

Malcolm- ya think

Archer- never mind that, Travis evasive maneuvers

-despite Travis' best efforts the ice burg hit and scrapped the entire side of the Enterprise-

Archer- damage report

T'Pol- captain, the ice burg put a titanic scrap down the entire side of the ship

Malcolm- T'Pol, you're doing it again

T'Pol- captain, damage reports have come in. minimal damage only on decks x, y, and z, no injuries

Archer- what was an ice burg doing in the middle of space?

Hoshi- we're gonna die!!

Malcolm- what are you talking about Hoshi?

Hoshi- the titanic hit an ice burg and it sank

Malcolm- the titanic was a boat

Hoshi- yeah, but it still sank

Archer- we're not damaged as badly as the titanic was

Hoshi- oh, I've always wanted to meet the people who went down on the titanic

Malcolm- Hoshi, they're dead

Hoshi- NO!!

Malcolm- yes

Hoshi- that's so sad

Archer- all hands, lets get this ship repaired

SCENE 4

-Trip at the replicator-

Trip- warp core cord with a plug, attached

-Trip goes back to engineering and fixes the plug-

-Trip leaves to fix something else and returns a half an hour later and sees the warp core cord severed-

Trip- MALCOLM!! I'll get you

SCENE 5

Malcolm- I'm glad to see the torpedoes are unharmed

-malcolm leaves and comes back an hour later to find that the torpedoes have been turned around

Malcolm- TRIP!!

-malcolm turns them back around-

SCENE 6

-Malcolm is in the mess hall drinking a pepsi and eating a subway when Trip comes in-

Trip- Malcolm, you broke that warp core cord 7 times

Malcolm- and you turned the torpedoes around 6 times, it was very difficult to turn them back around


	3. Chapter 3

SCENE 7

-Trip and Malcolm stormed into the captain's ready room arguing-

Archer- QUIET!! What is going on?

Trip- (says at the same time as Malcolm) he broke the warp core cord

Malcolm- (says at the same time as Trip) he turned the torpedoes around

Archer- shut up, one at a time. Trip you go first

Trip- well….

Malcolm- why does he get to go first?

Archer- because he out ranks you

Malcolm- oh, ok

Archer- Trip go ahead

Trip- captn' do remember that time when the ship hit an ice burg and I had to fix the warp core cord because it had been broken in half?

-Malcolm stood there rolling his eyes-

Malcolm- of course he does Trip, it was only 2 hours ago

Archer- Malcolm, you'll have your turn. Yes Trip I remember, but what's your point?

Trip- my point captn' is that after I fixed the warp core cord and left to fix something else, and well, when I came back through that area I found the cord had been severed, not once, not twice, but 7 times, and only Malcolm would have done it.

Malcolm- has Malcolm admitted to doing it?

Trip- yes captn' he has, but that's not the point

Archer- you mean I listened to all of that and it wasn't your point?

Trip- uh

-Malcolm trying to contain his laughter-

Archer- Malcolm!!

Malcolm- sorry captain

Archer- ok, Trip one more time, what's your point?

Trip- my point is that every time it was broken I had to replicate a new cord and now my rations for the week are almost gone

Archer- Malcolm, is that true, did you break the warp core cord?

Malcolm- yep

Archer- why

Malcolm- I was board

-archer shakes his head-

Archer- ok, Malcolm, what is your complaint?

Malcolm- Trip turned the torpedoes around and I had to turn them back around all by myself. Needless to say it was difficult. And not to mention if there had been an emergency and we needed the torpedoes they would have destroyed that deck. Good thing I'm a bridge officer.

Archer- you two are so childish, why can't you be more like, um, more like … more like, Hoshi?

-right at that moment, Hoshi jumps through the captain's ready room door, landing in a partial crouch with a wide eyed determined expression on her face wearing her uniform and a mask covering her eyes and a black cape-

Hoshi- I'm batman

Malcolm, Trip- you were saying

Archer- never mind

SCENE 8

-T'Pol at the replicator-

T'Pol- tea, hot

-the tea came out and splattered all over the place-

T'Pol- why does that always happen?

-Dr. Phlox comes up to her-

Phlox- hello T'Pol, having replicator problems again?

T'Pol- yes, the stupid thing never seems to work for me

-Travis Maywhether comes up to their table holding a ball of doe-

Travis- may I join you?

-T'Pol nods-

Travis- have either of you noticed the replicator malfunctioning or something? I was getting my lunch and I ordered a pizza and it gave me raw doe

Phlox- yes, a similar thing happened to me, I ordered a cows tongue and I got a cows, well let's just say it wasn't a cows tongue. Though it was rather tasty.

Travis- eew that's disgusting Dr.

T'Pol- I concur with Ensign Maywhether. But I had a similar thing also happen to me. I ordered a tea, hot, and got it

Travis- with all due respect Sub Commander, how is that similar?

T'Pol- I shouldn't have to ask for a cup

Travis- oh

SCENE 9

-the captain called the senior officers together in the conference room to have a meeting of the utmost importance-

Archer- ok, you all know why we're here. We have a problem that demands our attention, and all of us needs to take this very seriously. Our replicator is malfunctioning.

-silence fills the room-

Archer- I want Trip and Malcolm to fix it. In the mean time no one uses the replicator. That goes for everyone.

-sniffles sound and everyone looks in Hoshi's direction-

Malcolm- Hoshi, why are you crying?

Hoshi- (says between sobs) I can't use the replicator

Trip- that's nothing to cry over

Hoshi- I'll starve, I'll be skin and bones, I'll, I'll, I'll look like T'Pol (lets out a big sob) with less cleavage

Malcolm- it's alright Hoshi, you can eat what the chef makes. And you're not going to be skin and bones like T'Pol. I mean it's true you'll never have as much cleavage as T'Pol, but neither will I

-everyone stops and looks at Malcolm-

Malcolm- what, I wont

Archer- alright you have your orders, dismissed

T'Pol- for the record, I'm not skin and bones, I'm just thin

Malcolm- yeah, to thin

Phlox- there is medical research that can remedy that

T'Pol- I don't think that will be necessary

Hoshi- she still has bigger ones than me

Malcolm- that's true, Hoshi, but at least yours don't stick out

T'Pol- mine do not stick out

Malcolm- T'Pol, have you looked in the mirror, when I look at you I'm completely blinded, I mean there so big, that's all you see. Guys am I right?

-phlox, Travis, and Trip all say 'yes' in unison-

T'Pol- Lt. Reed, how can you insult a senior officer like that

Malcolm- what do you mean. I was complimenting you. I never said I didn't like the sight

Archer- (screams) DISMISSED!!

-everyone leaves-

Archer- why me?


	4. Chapter 4

SCENE 10

-Hoshi goes to see the doctor-

Hoshi- doctor, do you remember that conversation in the conference room about T'Pol's cleavage?

Phlox- of course ensign, how could I forget that? (with and on chin, looking up)

Hoshi- I was wandering if there was a way that… that-mine could stick out

Phlox- Ensign, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about

Hoshi- yeah you do, I wanna em to stick out, be noticeable, like T'Pol's

Phlox- you mean like enhancements?

Hoshi- oh, well,… yeah!!

Phlox- well, if you want a trial basis you can stick this on (holding up a fake rack)

Hoshi- aaaah, yeeeesssss!! I do!! (she yanks it out of phlox's hands)

-Hoshi leaves and goes to her quarters to prepare for her shift-

SCENE 11

-Everyone is at their stations when the captain enters. Archer looks around the room-

Archer- no Hoshi

-archer takes another look, and this time stops at the tactical station and sees Malcolm Reed-

Archer- Malcolm I thought I told you and Trip to fix the replicator

Malcolm- we decided to do that this afternoon

Archer- what, why not do it now

Malcolm- we didn't feel like it

T'Pol- how come you never do what the captain says

Malcolm- I never disobeyed the captain

T'Pol- you and Trip haven't fixed the replicator when the captain gave you a direct order to do so

Malcolm- yes, but he never said when, and I thought Vulcan's were logical

-the arguing continues, but stops abruptly when Hoshi busts in and I do mean busts-

Hoshi- notice anything different

Malcolm- you're wearing your hair down

T'Pol- you lost weight

Travis- you did your make-up different

Archer-you dyed your hair, oh what am I saying, why am I joining in on this?

-Trip walks in carrying the tools to fix the replicator-

Trip- (throwing the tools) oh my God!! She's huge

T'Pol- I thought we had that discussion yesterday

Trip- I was talking about Hoshi

-Trip forgot what he came there to do and left again. Everyone takes a second look at Hoshi

Malcolm- WOW!!

Hoshi- how come Trip was the only one who noticed?

Travis- I only glanced

T'Pol- I'm not in the habit of looking at another female's breasts no matter the species

Malcolm- the tactical station was blocking my view

Hoshi- oh, well here have a better look

-Hoshi walks over to Malcolm's station and shakes for all she's worth-

Malcolm- (looking like he's enjoying the show) I see them now

-the antics continue, and all of the sudden an explosion occurs knocking Hoshi over and lands her fake breasts in malcolm's face-

Malcolm- now I really see them!!

Archer- what was that?

T'Pol- an explosion captain

Archer- yeah, but what caused it?

T'Pol- a ship perhaps

Malcolm- shut up T'Pol

T'Pol- there you go again insulting me

Malcolm- this is the first time I insulted you. Today at least

-T'Pol gives Malcolm the Vulcan eye-

Malcolm- well, maybe it was the second time

Archer- you people, we have just been attacked by an enemy and all you can do is bicker

Malcolm- that's right captain, besides T'Pol started it

Archer- never mind who started it, I'm finishing it

-archer's left eye starts twitching, and Hoshi makes her way to her station-

Hoshi- captain, we are receiving a transmission. Audio only

Archer- put it through

-over the comm. Comes a bunch of peep like high pitched barks with laughing

Archer- get that translated now Hoshi

-Hoshi starts working-

Archer- T'Pol what kind of ship is that

T'Pol- the kind that flies

Travis- what other kind would it be?

T'Pol- the kind that doesn't fly

Archer- STOP!!

-archer puts his finger to his eye, and pokes it because travis slams on the brakes-

Archer- stop the arguing not the ship

Malcolm- well, now you know to be more specific when giving orders

Archer- what kind of ship is out there and I want to know who we are dealing with

T'Pol- well, why didn't you say that before

-T'Pol runs scans-

T'Pol- the ship appears to be a 20th century chicken egg, only much larger

Malcolm- this I've got to see. Put it on screen

Archer- Malcolm, I'm the captain, that's my line not yours

Malcolm- oops

-the egg is put on screen-

Archer- what kind of weapons do they have?

Malcolm- as far as I can see, eggs

Hoshi- I got it

Archer- what?

Hoshi- the translation

-archer waits a beat-

Archer- well, what did they say?

Hoshi- they said 'oops, we missed we meant to hit your warp core'

-a torpedo launches from enterprise without warning. It hits the other ship

Malcolm- oops my finger slipped

Archer- Malcolm, don't ever do that again; Hoshi, translate; travis, move this ship; T'Pol, not a word

Trip- (over the comm.) captn' what's going on up there?

Malcolm- we're being threatened by a giant chicken egg. And what's worse they have egg weapons

Trip- so scramble em and lets eat

Malcolm- I prefer mine fried

T'Pol- sunny side up

Travis- I don't like eggs

Archer- Trip, back to work. Hoshi, what did they say

-Trip signs off-

Hoshi- I thought you'd never ask. They said 'prepare to be bearded. We are the chickuawas and resistance is fertile

Malcolm- you've got to be kidding me

Archer- hail them and get them on screen

-Hoshi hails them back, the captain does his speech thing. And on screen pops up a Chihuahua head on a yellow chicks fuzzy body with a dog like tail. And it is only 1ft tall and less than 3 lbs

Malcolm- now you've really got to be kidding me

Archer- Lt. do you mind

T'Pol- I think I'm with Lt. Reed on this one

Malcolm- for a change we agree

Hoshi- aawwwwe. I want one

-the translator is working-

Captain of he chickuawas- I am the captain prepare to be boarded and surrender to us

Malcolm- my foot is bigger than you

Captain- that's beside the point. We will fire if you don't surrender at once

Malcolm- what are you gonna do, egg us to death. Come one you already missed once

Captain- so what

Malcolm- so I don't miss

Archer- put an egg in it Malcolm, and let me handle this. I am the captain

T'Pol- the captain's is eggactly right he is the captain

Malcolm- T'Pol, how long does it take you to think this stuff up

T'Pol- listen Reed, don't get all hard boiled about it

Malcolm- well, at least I like my eggs cooked. You like yours raw

T'Pol- it's very nutritious

Malcolm- and very raw to

Hoshi- and runny

Malcolm- what?

Hoshi- my nose its running

Archer- people we just got attacked but a giant 20th century chicken egg so lets crack down

Malcolm- well, with how small they are they're probably soft shelled

Archer- very funny. Now listen up you chickuawa, we will not surrender to you if it's the last thing we do

Malcolm- eggcissly

Archer- what is your name

Captain- ed, and captain archer, how to you expect to fight us when you fight among yourselves

Malcolm- we're not fighting, its more like aggressive conversation

Ed- oh well, whatever it is, it's going to get you killed

-malcolm busts out laughing-

Archer- Lt. please

Ed- what is the meaning of this

Malcolm- I'm sorry but its hard to take a threat seriously when its coming from a 1ft, 3lb chick dog

Archer- I wouldn't go quite to that extent but anything you can throw at us, Ed, we can throw more

Ed- you have a point. Stay here while we go get some hired help

Archer- ok, wait, NO

-Ed disconnected-

Archer- I'm becoming my crew. It's going to be the death of me

SCENE 12

-Trip re-enters the bridge

Trip- I remembered what I came for (starts picking up the tools that he threw) you Malcolm

Malcolm- me?

Trip- yeah you, don't you remember you, me, replicator

Reed- thought we were doing that this afternoon

Trip- it is this afternoon, idiot

Malcolm- sorry I got distracted by Hoshi's boobs, the slamming brakes and the chickuawas, hahaha

T'Pol- it's gonna about time your going to fix that

Malcolm- no T'Pol, we're going to work on it not necessarily fix it

T'Pol- well you should fix it

Malcolm- I said we'd try, what more do you want

T'Pol- well now that you ask there are a few things I want such as

Malcolm- T'Pol, it was a rhetorical question

T'Pol- then, why did you ask

Malcolm- I was being sarcastic

T'Pol- well that was just rude

Malcolm- that's the whole point

Archer- stop it

Travis- sir, we're already stopped

Archer- (says through his teeth) I know that, I was talking about the arguing again

Travis- oh

Archer- I want the arguing to stop; Malcolm, Trip go fix or work on or whatever you're going to do to the replicator; T'Pol shut up and look up information on the chickuawas (Malcolm is heard laughing in the background) Hoshi memorize their language and Travis get this ship going

Travis- sir, the brake pads need to be changed

Archer- that means someone has to go outside

Malcolm- I'm not doing it, the antigrav never works for me

Archer- get out!! (screaming at Malcolm and Trip)

-Malcolm and Trip leave-

SCENE 13

Archer- (speaks over the comm.) crewman Pye report to the bridge

-five minutes later Crewman Pye walks in-

Archer- crewman Pye, go outside and fix the brake pads

Pye- me?

Archer- yeah, you, now go

Pye- yes sir

-pye leaves to go prepare for his assignment. Meanwhile, on another part of the ship, Trip and Malcolm are working on the replicator-

Trip- so, Malcolm what do ya think is wrong with the replicator?

Malcolm- it's broken

Trip- hahaha very funny, but seriously

Malcolm- I was being serious

-Trip reaches his hand through all the wires and gets shocked-

Trip- ow confounded, that hurt

Malcolm- I guess I should've Tripped the breaker

Trip- you mean you didn't turn off the power first!!

Malcolm- that is what I said

Trip- why didn't you? I wouldn't have been shocked

Malcolm- yeah, and it wouldn't have been as fun either so what's your point

Trip- my point is…. I left the hammer on the bridge

Malcolm- the hammer? Why do we need a hammer?

Trip- we don't need one, I need one so I can beat your head in. so will you go get it

Malcolm- why don't you go get it, you are the one that left it

Trip- because I out rank you and hahaha I'm giving you a direct order to go get it

Malcolm- that's not fair pulling rank

-malcolm gets up and starts going, muttering to himself-

Malcolm- bloody Americans

-malcolm gets to the bridge to get the hammer and something happens-

Travis- uh, captain

Archer- what is it travis?

Travis- I think something just flew by the view screen

Archer- archer to all hands battle stations, Malcolm go to tactical alert

Malcolm- actually captain, I came up with a better title than tactical alert, its now red alert

Archer- whatever just do it, Hoshi do you hear anything

Hoshi- yes

Archer- what

Hoshi- you yelling at me

T'Pol- captain scanners show nothing, and Lt. how did you come up with red alert

Malcolm- the colors

T'Pol- that just goes to show you the simplicity of the human mind

Malcolm- at least I have a mind

Archer- that's enough you two

-Trip comes in over the comm.-

Trip- captn' what's going on

Archer- travis thinks he saw something fly by the view screen

Travis- captain there it is again!!

Archer- Malcolm fire phasers

-malcolm fires the phasers but misses-

T'Pol- you missed

Malcolm- what tipped you off

-right then something ran into the view screen. Muffled cries came , and were barely audible

From outside- h…..p…..e

Archer- what did it say Hoshi?

Hoshi- it said help me

-malcolm leaves his station and walks up to the view screen-

Malcolm- is that crewman pye?

-everyone takes a closer look-

Travis- it is crewman pye

T'Pol- so it is

Hoshi- hey look its crewman pye

Archer- get him back in here now

Malcolm- how would you prefer, transporter, harpoon, or tractor beam

Archer- tractor beam, what tractor beam

Malcolm- the tractor beam you told Trip not to install because star fleet said it was to experimental still

Archer- what

Malcolm- oops

Hoshi- he's floating away

T'Pol- so he is

Archer- Malcolm beam him directly to sick bay

Malcolm- we're not that advanced with our transporter captain

Archer- why not? We went back for upgrades

Malcolm- well you opted not to get the site to site transporter because we're supposedly afraid of our transporter, so you said we don't use it in the first place, so why do we need an upgrade on them

T'Pol- impressive Lt. you said all of that in one breath

Malcolm- thanks T'Pol

Archer- shut up and beam him aboard

Malcolm- I'll have to go to the transporter room because

Archer- let me guess, we don't have the remote access for the bridge control upgrade to we?

Malcolm- not quite

Archer- what do you mean, not quite?

Malcolm- we have the bridge control upgrade but Trip hadn't hooked it up yet

Archer- fine, then get to the transporter room now and beam crewman pye aboard

Malcolm- yes sir

Archer- T'Pol go with him and make sure he doesn't mess this up

T'Pol- yes captain

-T'Pol and Lt. Reed get in the turbo lift and to the transporter room-

SCENE 14

-Malcolm and T'Pol reach the transporter room and beam crewman pye on board, and pye stands there shaking-

T'Pol- perhaps we should get him to sick bay

Malcolm- that is why we're here

-malcolm and T'Pol take crewman pye to sick bay. The doors to sickbay open-

Phlox- ah, crewman pye, you're back

Pye- uh sir, ma'am, I think I'm ok

Phlox0 oh don't be ridiculous you were free-flying in open space and had phasers fired at you. You need another check-up

-Dr. phlox pulls out that same thermometer-

Malcolm- that would be our cue to leave

-malcolm and T'Pol go out, the doors close behind them, and they hear unnatural screaming on the other side of the door

SCENE 15

-Archer comes to see crewman pye in sick bay-

Archer- so doctor how is he?

Phlox- aside from taking a joy-ride in space and almost being killed, he's traumatized, but other than that, he's fine. I recommend he sees the ships councilor

Archer- ok, I'll make an appointment right away. You hear that crewman?

Pye-yeah, yeah

Archer- what's that?

Pye- sir, yes, sir

Archer- I have good news, the doctor says you'll be fine

Pye- I'm sure I will be as soon as my butt quits stinging

SCENE 16

-Crewman pye goes to see the councilor-

Pye- are you the councilor?

Councilor- why yes I am. My name is councilor commander Steve, and that's exactly what you can call me

Pye- oh ok, I didn't know we had a councilor on board

C.C. Steve- well, now ya do sonny. So what did you think of that movie?

Pye- what? What movie?

C.C. Steve- Pirates of the Caribbean of course

pye- what does that have to do with why I'm here?

C.C. Steve- absolutely nothing

pye- so why are we talking about it councilor?

C.C. Steve- no no

pye- oh I mean councilor commnader Steve. Why are we talking about a movie

C.C. Steve coz I don't know what you're here for

pye- I'm here because I'm going crazy. The doctor stuck an elephant size thermometer up my butt, twice and Lt. Reed tried to kill me with the phasers

-pye starts tugging at the hair on his head-

C.C. Steve- oh I know what's wrong with you

pye- what!!

C.C. Steve- you'e crazy

pye- I know that councilor commander Steve, but you're supposed to tell me how to fix it

C.C. Steve- why?

Pye- coz that's what councilors do

C.C. Steve- yeah, but that would take to long

pye- you're starting to sound like Lt. Reed

C.C. Steve- that's nice, so what did you think of the movie?

Pye- ahhhhhhh you're driving me crazy!!

C.C. Steve- that's what I'm here for. So what did you think of the movie?

Pye- thts it I'm leaving

-pye storms out of the room-

SCENE 17

-C.C. Steve comes to the bridge to talk to captain Archer-

C.C. Steve- I have evaluated crewman pye

archer- how is he?

C.C. Steve- he's crazy

Hoshi- that poor man every thing seems to happen to him

Malcolm- I think it's funny

T'Pol- of course you would

C.C. Steve- I think it's funny too

archer- it's not funny, and travis, get this ship moving before the chickuawas come back

travis- yes sir

archer- Malcolm, I want you and Trip to finish fixing the replicator and investigate what happened to crewman pye

Malcolm- which you like us to do first

Archer- I don't care just do it

C.C. Steve- can I tag along

Malcolm- I don't care

-malcolm and C.C. Steve leave to tell Trip about their new assignment-

Trip- why do we have to investigate it was an accident that's all

C.C. Steve- it could help clear crewman Pye's mind if he knew what happened

Trip- who's he? (pointing at C.C. Steve)

Malcolm- Councilor Commander Steve, ships councilor

Trip- I didn't know we had one

Malcolm- neither did I

Trip- where should we start?

Malcolm- I don't know

Trip- how about we fix the replicator first then

Malcolm- fine by me

C.C. Steve- what can I do

Trip- you can go get the hammer

C.C. Steve- ok that sounds like fun

Malcolm- is the hammer for me or him?

Trip- whichever one of you I take a notion to hit

Malcolm- oh, ok

Trip- you're actually ok with that

Malcolm- yes, coz I'll look forward to the payback

Trip- oh yeah, I forgot about that

-Trip and Malcolm start working on the replicator when C.C. Steve returns with the hammer

C.C. Steve- ya know I got to thinking on my way to get the hammer why do we need one?

Malcolm- ya don't wanna know

Trip- Malcolm, did you trip the breaker now

Malcolm- yes I did

Trip- good

C.C. Steve- so how did ya'll like the movie

Malcolm- what movie

C.C. Steve- Galaxy Quest

Malcolm- oh I loved that one

-Malcolm and C.C. Steve say at the same time-

Malcolm, and C.C. Steve- by grand thars hammer you shall be avenged

Trip- you've got to be kidding me, hey look at this

Malcolm- what?

Trip- all these wires, there all shorted out

Malcolm- that's coz you got shocked remember

C.C. Steve- what happened to the wires?

Trip- gee I don't know

-Trip takes down more paneling and finds more shorted wires-

Trip- I bet I know what happened

-Trip looked some more-

Trip- yep that's it

Malcolm- what?

Trip- when I got shocked, it caused a power surge and knocked out the antigravity suit right out, that's why Pye was running around in space and it all happened because you didn't trip the breaker

Malcolm- oh, my bad

C.C. Steve- you need counseling

Malcolm- well how was I supposed to know

C.C. Steve- oooh, I'm gonna tell the Captain on you

-C.C. Steve runs off-

Trip- hahahaha Malcolm my friend, you're in trouble now

Malcolm- do ya think he'll really tell

Archer- (comes in over the comm.) Trip, Malcolm, report to my ready room NOW!!

SCENE 18

-When they there, Captain Archer was pacing back and forth, and C.C. Steve was just standing there-

Archer- is what C.C. Steve told me true?

Malcolm- depends

Archer- on what?

Malcolm- on what he told you and whether I choose to confirm or deny it

Archer- he told me that you didn't trip the breaker and that's how crewman Pye ended up gallivanting all over space

Malcolm- oh, well, then, yeah that's true

Archer- why did you do that

Malcolm- because I'm immature and thought it would be funny hahahaha and actually it was

-Archer gives Malcolm the captain's eye-

Malcolm- no it wasn't, it wasn't funny at all

Trip- suck up

Malcolm- shut up

Archer- and Trip why didn't you check before reaching your hand in there? Malcolm I can understand, but you a senior officer

Malcolm- ooh he told you

Archer- Malcolm shut up, C.C. Steve has agreed to give you both counseling

Malcolm- oh do we have to

Archer- yes, now I want you both to go to your quarters for the rest of the day and think about what you've done

Malcolm- is that all

Trip- shut up Malcolm

Archer- both of you shut up, and yes that's all, for today

-Trip and Malcolm leave to go to their quarters, and C.C. Steve was still just standing there-

Archer- thank you C.C. Steve, you're dismissed

-C.C. Steve to go watch a movie-

SCENE 19

-Archer is left alone in his ready room. He starts pacing around the room. He stops and looks in the full length mirror hanging on his ready room door-

Archer- why me? What did I do to deserve this?

Archer's reflection (A.R.)- because you just had to be the most disrespected captain in the fleet

Archer- so why did I have to get this crew

A.R.- hey, why ya asking me, YOU picked them remember?

Archer- oh yeah. I keep forgetting about that. Then why did I have to make such bad crew choices

A.R.- because you're the worst captain in Star Fleet

Archer- am I really?

A.R- yep. After all you are talking to your refection

Archer- so you're talking back. Wait a minute, I'm getting as bad as the rest of them

A.R- maybe you need to go see the councilor

Archer- I think you're right….. what am I saying

-Archer comes to the realization that he must be going crazy

SCENE 20

-Malcolm is in his quarters doing everything but what the captain told him to do, so he calls Trip on their personal comm. Unit-

Trip- hell

Malcolm- hey it's me, do ya think anyone can hear us

Trip- no we're the only two people on board this ship who have this frequency

Malcolm- oh yeah, hey anyway I'm board

Trip- me too

Malcolm- do you want to play

Trip- hook it up

-Malcolm gets some cords and plugs them in and he and Trip begin playing Halo on the Holobox, and then Archer comes in over the comm.-

Archer- Trip, Malcolm, report to the conference room immediately

Malcolm- but I thought we were supposed to stay in our quarters for the rest of the day

Archer- yeah, well, I changed my mind, and that's the captain's prerogative

Malcolm- ok, we'll be right there

SCENE 21

-Trip and Malcolm walk into the conference room and find the entire senior staff and crewman Pye sitting in a circle with Councilor Commander Steve in the middle-

C.C. Steve- oh so glad you could join us Commander, Lt. Captain Archer thought it would be a good idea for all of us to talk about our problems

Trip- you mean like an AA meeting?

T'Pol- No kind of like group therapy, thought I prefer the Vulcan way of reliving stress

Malcolm- you prefer the Vulcan way for everything

Hoshi- that's because she IS Vulcan, duh!!

Malcolm- Hoshi, you took off your fake chest. Why?

Hoshi- it got too heavy, I don't know how T'Pol does it

Malcolm- she does it very well

T'Pol- let's not get into that again, please Lt.

Malcolm- I wasn't

C.C. Steve- alright now let's get started. Who would like to go first? Any volunteers? Well, what did you think of the movie?

-everyone rolls their eyes, and Pye chips in-

Pye- I'll go first. I've had a lot of problems in the recent past

C.C. Steve- go ahead crewman Pye, let it all out

Pye- I'm trying to but you interrupted me

C.C. Steve- just trying to do my job

Pye- anyway, it all started when Commander Tucker poked me in the eye because I accidently plugged the warp core into the wrong outlet and when I got to sick bay, the doctor violated me. Then I was out fixing the break pads and some sort of electrical surge occurs and I go flying and worse Lt Reed firs the phasers at me and almost hits me

Malcolm- almost doesn't count

Pye- ya know what?

Malcolm- what?

Pye- that was is

Malcolm- oh must be an American thing

Pye- actually it's a southern thing

Malcolm- oh ok

Pye- then I'm brought back on board and the doctor violates me again. My butt still hurts from that

Malcolm- oh boo hoo

C.C. Steve- Lt. Reed would you like to go next?

Malcolm- not really, but I guess I will. I don't have a problem with anyone. I may give people a hard time, but so what. It's all in fun

C.C. Steve- maybe Lt that's the problem. Maybe not everyone's having fun

Malcolm- I don't care, besides I mainly torment the lower ranks, and I can always order them to have fun. The only higher ranking officer I torment is Commander Tucker

T'Pol- that's not entirely accurate Lt

Malcolm- you don't count

T'Pol- and why is that

Malcolm- coz you suppress your emotions

T'Pol- I see your point

Malcolm- good, I'm glad

T'Pol- to my surprise, it's a logical one

Malcolm- see, you don't have to be Vulcan to be logical

T'Pol- when you are involved I'm not so sure

Malcolm- now look who's poking fun

T'Pol- oh the contrary, I am Vulcan, therefore, I do not 'poke fun' as you call it. When I speak I am serious

Malcolm- that must be why you state the obvious

C.C. Steve- now you two, we can say what's on our minds without arguing

Malcolm- no ones arguing

C.C. Steve- you just were

Malcolm- no I was talking to T'Pol

C.C. Steve- no you were arguing with T'Pol

Malcolm- no I wasn't

C.C. Steve- yes, you were

Malcolm- no I wasn't

C.C. Steve- yes you were

Malcolm- no I wasn't, now you're arguing with me

C.C. Steve- no I'm not

Malcolm- yes you are

C.C. Steve- no I'm not

Archer- that's enough. Now I don't want to hear another word out of either of you unless its on topic

Malcolm- (says under his breath) yes you are

Archer- I heard that Lt.

Malcolm- it was on topic

Archer- how?

Malcolm- coz we were arguing and no one changed the subject

Archer- why me, let's just move on

C.C. Steve- certainly captain, who would like to go next

Malcolm- I wasn't done

C.C. Steve- ok, Lt. please finish

Malcolm- yes you were, and I'm right, you're wrong and that's the end of it. Now I'm done

-Archer makes a growl sound-

C.C. Steve- would you like to go next Captain?

Archer- no

C.C. Steve- I think you do

Archer- I think I don't

-everyone in the room starts trying to encourage Archer to speak-

Archer- ok, fine. I hate this ship, I hate this crew, I hate this deep space assignment, I hate being the most disrespected captain in Star Fleet. My hair is thinning, I talk to my refection, I'm going crazy, I hate my life, and worse of all I think I'm becoming my crew!!

-Archer stands there taking deep breaths-

C.C. Steve- that was good

Malcolm- feels better to let it all out doesn't it

C.C. Steve- ah, I think we can end this session for today

Trip- I think everyone should go back to doing what they were doing before the session

Archer- yes, everyone back to what you were doing, except Commander Tucker and Lt. Reed. I want you two to fix the replicators

Trip- uh sir, we were fixing the power surge

Archer- well finish doing that and then fix the replicators

Trip- aye captain

Malcolm- ok

-everyone leaves and resumes their activities. Trip and Malcolm go back to the spot where they found the power surge. Councilor Commander Steve is hot on their heels-

SCENE 22

-Archer is left in the conference room all alone-

Archer- what could possibly go wrong now

-Archer is standing in front of the window and his reflection re-appears-

A.R- do we really need to go over this again

Archer- no I guess not

A.R- good, now go do some work or something and stop feeling sorry for yourself

SCENE 23

-Archer leaves the conference room and takes his seat on the bridge-

Archer- alright let's get the repairs finished so we can focus on the chickuawas

Travis- yes sir Captain, where would you like to go

Archer- turn us about and go to the left, no right, no left, then go warp 2.75

Travis- you got it

-the ship turns around, then goes left then right, then left again-

Archer- Travis why did you do that?

Travis- do what Sir, I was just following your orders

Archer- ooooh, never mind

Travis- sorry Sir, but you said left then right then left again, I thought it was kinda weird but I wasn't going to question it

Archer- I said left NO right, NO left, NO!! I said NO as in I changed my mind!!

Travis- oh, I'm sorry Sir, I didn't realize

Archer- apology accepted, just get us going right

Travis- right it is Sir

Archer- no right as in the correct direction which in this case the right direction is left

Travis- oh

Archer- oh just turn us about and go left

Travis- yes Captain, we are ready

Archer- wait did you turn us about again?

Travis- what do you mean Captain?

Archer- you did, I recognize that star

T'Pol- Captain, that is impossible. All stars virtually look the same. It would be illogical to state that you can tell one from another

Archer- Vulcans and their logic. Just shut up T'Pol

T'Pol- I was just correcting you captain

Archer- I'm the captain, you're not supposed to correct me. Now Travis, turn us about and go left at warp 2.75

Travis- Aye Captain

-the ship whips the turn about and goes left at an ungodly speed-

Archer- Travis, what happened

Travis- nothing unexpected Sir, just following your orders again. You said turn about and go left at warp 2.75

Archer- I didn't mean do it at warp 2.75, I meant go warp 2.75 after you turned left!!

Travis- oh, I'm sorry, are you mad at me

Archer- yes, I'm mad at everyone

Hoshi- if you'd learn to give clearer orders things like this wouldn't keep happening

-Archer glares over at Hoshi, who has green gunk on her face-

Archer- Hoshi, what is that on your face

Hoshi- it's my mask

Archer- you're not pretending to be batman again are you

Hoshi- no, I'm going to do that later maybe. But right now I'm giving myself a facial

Archer- couldn't you do that when you're off duty

Hoshi- yeah, but I thought it would be more fun to do it now, coz people might think I'm an alien

Archer- whatever, just don't drip it on the console

Hoshi- oh don't worry it wont stain

Archer- how do you know?

Hoshi- um, it says so on the box

T'Pol- plus I saw her wipe it off the console with not stain left behind

Hoshi- T'Pol, you weren't supposed to say anything

T'Pol- why is that?

Hoshi- coz I gave you the be quiet signal

Archer- ok, ok, let's just forget all of it ok. Now…..

-a scream is heard from the comm. Station-

Archer- Hoshi!!

Hoshi- AAAHHHH, AAAAHHHH, AAAAHHHH

Archer- Hoshi, what is it

-everyone is standing around Hoshi, who is convulsing on the floor-

Archer- Archer to Phlox, medical emergency on the bridge

Phlox, what is it captain?

Archer- Hoshi, something happened to Hoshi

Phlox- alright I will be up there directly

Archer- alright but please hurry

Phlox- I'll be on my way as soon as I can

-25 minutes later Phlox walks onto the bridge with his medical bag. He walks over to Hoshi who is now sitting in a corner covering her face crying-

Phlox- what happened to her?

Archer- I don't know. All I know is that one minute she was talking and the next she was screaming

Phlox- did something explode?

Archer- not that I'm aware of

Phlox- did anyone see what happened?

Archer- no

Travis- no

T'Pol- I did not witness the event but Hoshi is still conscience so logic dictates that you could simply ask her what happened

Phlox- alright it's worth a try. Hoshi, what happened?

Hoshi- um (continues crying)

-Hoshi signals for the doctor to come closer to her. Phlox does as she says and she whispers something in his ear-

Phlox- ah I see

-Phlox rocks Hoshi back and blows in her face-

Phlox- there is that better?

Hoshi- (still crying) yes

Archer- well doctor is she ok

Phlox- yes, she, some of her facial mask dripped in her eyes

Archer- and I thought it was an emergency

Hoshi- it was

Archer- how?

Hoshi- you must never have got that stuff in your eyes before. It burns I could have gone blind or worse lost eyes. I would have been eyeless

Phlox- not exactly Hoshi, you would simply have had a burning sensation that would have lasted for a few hours

Hoshi- that's it?

Phlox- yes

Archer- then why was she convulsing on the floor

Phlox- maybe she was experiencing shock

Archer- maybe?

Phlox- that is the best explanation I can come up with captain

Hoshi- are you sure I wouldn't have been eyeless?

Phlox- quite sure

-Hoshi gets a disappointed pouting look on her face-

Archer- Hoshi, what's wrong?

Archer- I was hoping for something more

Archer- hoping, you planned this

Hoshi- no but when it dripped in my eyes I thought I would go blind or be eyeless, and I thought it would be kinda cool

Archer- what

T'Pol- that is completely illogical, and a pathetic human emotion

Hoshi- at least I have emotions

T'Pol- how many times must I say I have emotions, I just suppress them

Archer- oh whatever, Phlox is Hoshi ok enough to go back to work?

Phlox- yes I don't see why not

Archer- good, Hoshi, start listening on all comm. frequencies for any signs of the chickuawas. T'Pol start scanning

SCENE 24

Trip- Malcolm, how's it coming?

Malcolm- almost there, got it!! The power surge is fixed

Trip- I just hope this time on one is free-flying in space

Malcolm- I highly doubt that, no one was outside, and besides I really turned off the breaker

Trip- good, its move onto the replicators

-Trip and Malcolm walk over to the replicator mainframe-

Trip- alright let's get started, wait did you turn off the breaker?

Malcolm- oh right, wouldn't want to repeat last time now would we?

-malcolm turns off the breaker and prepares to test it-

Malcolm- alright, now for a little test, Pepsi with ice

-nothing happens-

Malcolm- well it must have worked

-Trip and Malcolm take the mainframe apart and have parts all over the floor when Hoshi walks up to the replicator-

Hoshi- New York style cheesecake

-the cheesecake appears on a plate with a fork-

Trip- how did you do that? Malcolm, I thought you took the replicators offline

Malcolm- I did. I don't understand

Trip- Hoshi, how did you get the replicator to work, it's offline

Malcolm- and besides that we have its parts all over the floor

Hoshi- what do you mean?

Trip- never mind, what are you doing down here anyway. Aren't you on duty?

Hoshi- yeah, I told the captain that I had to go to the bathroom, but really I wanted cheesecake. You're not going to tell on me are you?

Trip- we have to tell the captain

Hoshi- why, what have I ever done to you?

Malcolm- Hoshi, it's not you, but this whole thing is kinda weird. I mean the replicator is offline, I turned off the breaker and we have parts all over the floor, 

we've taken it apart. In short it's not working. Then you come and order cheesecake and it gives it to you

-Hoshi goes back to the bridge after eating her cheesecake-

Trip- let's get this fixed and report it to the captain

-Trip and Malcolm get the replicator fixed and the corridor cleaned up and go to the bridge-

Trip- Captain, can we speak with you?

Archer- alright in my ready room

-All three of them enter Captain Archer's ready room-

Archer- I hope you have a report on the power surge and the replicators

Trip- we do

Malcolm- the power surge is fixed and so are the replicators

Archer- why do I feel like there's a but to this

Malcolm- but, while the replicators were offline and when I say offline, I mean we had taken the mainframe apart. We had pieces on the floor

Archer- get on with the but Lt.

Malcolm- Hoshi, came by and ordered cheesecake and it replicated cheesecake

Archer- what do you mean

Malcolm- I don't…………..

Trip- well it could have been

Archer- Hoshi lied, she said she was going to the bathroom and instead she ordered cheesecake

Malcolm- captain

Trip- uh, I think you're missing the point sir

-Archer has this look of betrayal on his face-

Malcolm- sir, you look as if your dog just died

Archer- I can't believe she would lie to me

Trip- Sir, with all due respect that is not the biggest problem

Archer- oh, I guess you're right, the chickuawas

-Archer jumps up and runs back onto the bridge-

Trip- well what do we do now?

Malcolm- I say we just write the whole thing off as weird and move on

Trip- agreed

-Trip and Malcolm nod to each other and shake hands and leave the room to take their respective posts-

SCENE 25

Archer- anything on comm.?

Hoshi- nothing

Archer- are you sure, maybe some of that cheesecake got in your ears

Hoshi- uh, I told them not to tell you

Archer- I can't believe you lied to me Hoshi

Hoshi- well believe it, coz I did

Archer- I guess I have to. From now until I say other wise, you Hoshi, will be escorted to the bathroom or anywhere else you need to leave your post for

Hoshi- no I wont

Archer- yes you will

Hoshi- no I wont and that's final

Archer- what!! Yes you will

Hoshi- no I wont

Archer- yes you will

Hoshi- fine yes I will

Archer- no you wont and that's an order

Hoshi- if you say so sir

-Archer realizing what just happened screamed like a girl and ran into his ready room-

Archer- why does this happen to me. Why

Over the comm.- captain to the bridge

-Archer walks back onto the bridge and looks around-

Archer- who called me out here?

Malcolm- oh that was me, I was seeing if you'd come

Archer- Malcolm, that didn't sound like you

Malcolm- I know, I was trying out the American accent, seeing how I sounded. Well what do you think?

Archer- I think I'm going crazy

Hoshi- Captain, I hear something

Archer- what is it

Hoshi- I think it's the chickuawas

Archer- is it them?

T'Pol- yes

Archer- all hands, battle stations. I've always wanted to say that

T'Pol- Captain, we're being hailed

Archer- open a channel

T'Pol- channel open

Archer- I can see that T'Pol, Ed is on the view screen. So we meet…..

Ed- lower your weapons and prepare to be boarded

Archer- stop interrupting me

Ed- sorry please finish

Archer-thank you. So we meet again, there that's all I was going to say

Ed- ok I want interrupt anymore. Back to business. Lower your weapons and prepare to be boarded

Archer- never!!

Ed- don't be foolish. I will eggsoust all my weapons on you

-Malcolm breaks out laughing-

Malcolm- egguse me. We out gun you. In fact we could crack your shell with our phasers set on low. Hahahahaha crack your shell hahahahaha

Ed- fire

-the enterprise gets egged again

Ed- consider that a warning

Malcolm- it didn't do anything to us. So where are your re-enforcements?

Ed- we couldn't find any, so we decided to destroy your ship and take all of you as our prisoners

-Malcolm starts laughing again-

Malcolm- please, how eggactly do you plan to do that

Ed- we will take you by force, as soon as we can get aboard your ship

Malcolm- then what egg us in person

Ed- something like that. You will fear us

Malcolm- please, T'Pol's boobs are bigger than you

Archer- can I speak now

Ed- go ahead

Archer- you're not taking this ship, the crew on the other hand, but not the ship.

Ed- we will take what we want

Archer- Malcolm, target their yoke

Malcolm- got it

-a torpedo launched from the enterprise and hit the chickuawas yoke core-

Archer- Lt. I said target not fire

Malcolm- same thing

Archer- are they ok

T'Pol- there ship is damaged but still intact

-Ed comes back on the view screen-

Ed- that was mean. We accept your surrender

Malcolm- I just about blew up your ship. We're not surrendering

Ed- oh right we shell surrender instead

-the chickuawas ship turns around and sputters off-

Archer- well we won, power down weapons

T'Pol- that was an interesting battle

Hoshi- sure was

Archer- ok, Travis, let me say this so you can understand. Take us back to the right, resume our previous course and then go warp 3

Travis- when you say our previous course you mean before we turned around or after?

Archer- after

Travis- and you want to go right at warp 3

Archer- why are you repeating me?

Travis- sorry sir, I just want to be absolutely clear what I'm supposed to do

Archer- oh just go right then set the resume course at warp 3 can you do that?

Travis- yes sir

-Travis did it again. Turned right and ht the resume course button all at warp 3-

-everyone carries on with their daily routine when they see Earth-

Archer- Travis what are we doing at Earth?

Travis- you said hit resume course. Earth is always the course on resume course

T'Pol- Captain, Star Fleet Headquarters is hailing us

Archer- hello

SFHQ- what are you doing back

Archer- my pilot made a mistake on the course

SFHQ- I should say so

Archer- well while we're here we might as well come down for a visit

SFHQ- NO!! we have another deep space assignment for you and your crew. Transmitting orders. Have fun

-the channel was closed and Archer told Travis to lay in a new course for the new orders. Meanwhile, Trip had come to the bridge-

Trip- so what's going on

Malcolm- nothing that concerns you

T'Pol- hardly, Commander Tucker is the chief engineer, all of our missions concerns him

Malcolm- it was a joke

-Phlox entered the bridge-

Phlox- I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy

-now C.C. Steve comes onto the bridge-

C.C. Steve I wanted to see if anyone was up for another counseling session

Everyone- NO!!

Hoshi- guess we have a new mission yay!! Now I can be batman again

T'Pol- t guess now I can do more what do you call it Lt. Reed, stating the obvious

Malcolm- you finally admit it

Archer- shut up

Travis- what direction would you like to go

Archer- follow the orders

Travis- right. They probably came in at T'Pol's station then she transmitted them to Hoshi who transmitted them to me

-Travis gets up and follows the orders-

Archer- ooh I can't deal with this

-crewman Pye enters the bridge in time to hear Archer's last comment-

Pye- at least you didn't free-fly in space with phasers shooting at you and get violated by the doctor twice

Archer- whatever. I wanna go home, I want my mommy

Phlox- I think the Captain is having a nervous break down

Archer- why me

-Archer then runs into a wall, and everyone laughs at him-

Malcolm- well, let's see what kind of miss jiff we can get ourselves into now


End file.
